Signs You Won’t Be Pictured on a Box of Wheaties

The list for February 19, 1998

The Top 16 Signs You Won’t Be
Pictured on a Box of Wheaties

The only thing that stops the wheezing these days is another box of Thin Mints.
After picking your nose on camera, you smiled and deadpanned, "Mmmmm… Breakfast of Champions."
The media has just dubbed you "The Skatin’ Rapist."
Although you do it "Fast, Higher, Farther", the particular solo activity at which you excel is hardly considered a sport.
Though you’re a fine hockey player, your scar-to-teeth ratio is about 5:1
Sure, they could airbrush out the Swastika on your forehead, but everyone would still know.
Prison-issue orange would mix with the background to make you just a spooky floating head.
Right after winning gold, you yell into the camera, "I’m going to Hooters!"
The box don’t say "Breakfast of Lardasses," Chester.
Corporate bastards always discriminate against guys with large breasts.
Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions. You: Champion of Breakfasts.
Your dumbass hippy parents named you "Rice Krispies" Bitonawicz.
A month ago, you had a chance — but now, after this Monica Lewinsky thing, NO WAY!
Your urine sample had seeds in it.
You arrive at the photo shoot still crying from the asskicking Scott Hamilton gave you.

And the Number 1 Sign You Won’t Be Pictured on a Box of Wheaties…

CREDITS

Selected from 110 submissions from 42 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5021998