The list for April 3, 1997
The Top 15 Ways Your Life Would Change
If Your Tongue Were Two Feet Long
If Your Tongue Were Two Feet Long
- Wet willies from two tables away!
- Almost guaranteed to be Madonna’s sole boyfriend for at least a week or two.
- Now can carry *two* dozen donuts while juggling.
- Much easier to clean behind the refrigerator.
- You can finally do that three hand-puppet show without getting arrested.
- Two-handed typing during cybersex!
- Interested in Anna Nicole Smith but you’re 18, healthy and poor? Not a problem anymore!
- You’d be a shoe-in for Hollywood “Lizard Boy” roles.
- For once, it’ll be the dog’s turn to look at you with envy.
- You’d need Mick Jagger’s lips and John Elway’s teeth to stay in proportion.
- When picking nose, you can “cut out the middle man.”
- Tie a cherry stem with your tongue? Hell, gobble a handful and weave a friggin’ picnic basket!
- Increased number of taste buds finally allows one to discern between Kool-Aid flavors.
- Your previously neglected navel would suddenly be your second-cleanest body part.
And the Number 1 Way Your Life Would Change If Your Tongue Were Two Feet Long…
- The counselor at Oversized Features Anonymous shows interest in you, but you can’t help but question her motives.
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CREDITS
Selected from 147 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Anna Chin-Williams, Oakland, CA — 1, 11 (1st #1!)
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 2, Topic
- Ken Shinodo, Keizer, OR — 2
- Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT — 3
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 4, Topic
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 5, 13
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 6
- Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY — 7
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 7
- Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI — 7
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 8
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 9
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 10
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 12
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 14
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 14
- Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV — 15
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA — List owner/editor
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