The list for December 16, 1996
The Top 15 Ways Christmas Would Be
Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa
Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa
- Tremendous upsurge in sales of 3-D Christmas cards.
- Over the fireplace — Fishnet stockings with garters.
- Wanna sit on Santa’s lap? You gotta be 18 and sign a release.
- New non-androgynous “Elves” required to be at least 5″11″ tall and list turn-ons/turn-offs on application.
- Santa still looks like a dirty old man, but MRS. Claus — Whoa, Baby!
- Carols with references to “gay apparel” become suddenly pointless.
- Hugh’s workload increased to one day a year.
- Those battery-operated toys under the tree ain’t for the kiddies.
- Milk and cookie replaced with silk and nookie.
- Finally get rid of that tired old red suit for the timeless look of paisley pajamas.
- Christmas Eve no longer the only night Santa goes around the world.
- “Madonna and Child” replaced with — hey, wait a minute…
- Sure, it’s the “Nutcracker Suite,” but there’s not a pecan, walnut or almond to be found.
- Vixen in leather muzzle on your rooftop is actually Anna Nicole Smith.
And the Number 1 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa…
- Better get a second carrot for Frosty.
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CREDITS
Selected from 147 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY — 1 (3rd #1)
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 2
- Peg Warner, Derry, NH — 3
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 4
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 5
- Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI — 6
- Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada — 6
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 7
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 7
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 8
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 8
- Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI — 8
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 8
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 9
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 9
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 10
- Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 11
- Don Horton, Sacramento, CA — 12
- Marianne Tatum, Austin, TX — 12
- Ward Bahner, Kansas City, MO — 12
- Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC — 12
- Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 13
- Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR — 13
- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Cananda — 14 >
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 14
- Jose Antonio Coa, Caracas, Venezuela — 15 (Rookie!)
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — Topic
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