Surprises in the Texas Cattlemen vs. Oprah Trial

The list for January 30, 1998

The Top 16 Surprises in the Texas
Cattlemen vs. Oprah Trial

Turns out “cattlemen” are just cowboys with lawyers!
Exhibit A disappears and Oprah starts foaming at the mouth. Coincidence? I think not.
Judge giggles hysterically every time he uses the phrase “with udder disregard…”
Surprise last minute settlement results in “MmmmBeef!” being named an Oprah Book Club selection.
Opening remarks: “We are not here to rake Ms. Winfrey over the coals — we’d prefer to grill her to a succulent medium-rare.”
Stedman reveals Oprah forced him to tattoo “USDA Prime” on his ass.
Mistrial declared when Oprah is caught with a sixer of White Castle burgers in the ladies’ room.
Case thrown out after Oprah’s attorneys provide receipts for over a billion dollars spent in 1992 alone at McDonalds and Burger King.
Johnny Cochran and his “If the Cow Is Mad, the Beef Must Be Bad” defense.
Due to lack of brain tissue, average Oprah viewer has no valid reason to fear Mad Cow disease.
Not a single cowboy has been able to stay on Oprah for more than 7 seconds.
Judge’s pre-trial ruling that use of the phrase “where’s the beef” at any point during the proceedings would result in contempt-of-court charges with a mandatory jail sentence.
“All rise for the honorable Judge Wapner.”
Cattlemen withdraw case after Oprah threatens to show up in court wearing chaps.
In depositions, Oprah reveals she, too, had a torrid affair with Monica Lewinsky, but maintains that it doesn’t count as neither of them even has a penis.

And the Number 1 Surprise in the Texas Cattlemen vs. Oprah Trial…

The defense’s strategy? Herd the cattlemen into the Alamo and let Mexico kick their asses again.

CREDITS

Selected from 132 submissions from 49 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

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