Signs You’ve Invested in the Wrong Stocks

The list for September 3, 1998
The Top 13 Signs You’ve Invested
in the Wrong Stocks

  1. The first and last annual financial statement starts, "Hi from sunny Rio, where your country can’t enforce extradition…"

  2. While a Price-to-Earnings ratio of 10 is considered good, your stocks have an abnormally high Price-per-Idiot ratio.

  3. Your life savings are gone, your shares are worthless, and you have 10 U-Hauls filled with "The Butt Master."

  4. Your brokerage firm: Merrill Lynch Mob

  5. You keep find your company’s stock certificates stuffed in homeless guys’ change cups.

  6. You put everything into a new frozen desert chain called "I Can’t Believe It’s Rendered Gristle!"

  7. Your stock analyst has alerted your employer to put you on "Death Watch."

  8. A few of the board members have made personal calls just to assure stockholders that continued backing of Vinny’s Cement Company is a "good" idea.

  9. Your broker advises you to take what’s left and put it all on 22 Black.

  10. Stock certificates are perforated, two-ply, and have faint "Charmin" watermark.

  11. You really want to jump out of a window, but you’re pretty sure that all those other bodies will break your fall and you’d only end up with a broken leg or back.

  12. The emergency share holder meeting takes place out on a very skinny ledge of a very tall building.
And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Invested in the Wrong Stocks…

  1. The just-released quarterly report of your major holding was printed on the back of the CEO’s suicide note.
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CREDITS
Selected from 72 submissions from 28 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NYorida — 1, 5 (9th #1!)
  • Martell Stroup Boston, MA — 2
  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — 3
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 4
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 4
  • Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA — 6
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 7
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 8 Hall of Famer
  • Davejames, Los Angeles, CA– 9, 11, Topic Hall of Famer
  • Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA — 10
  • Chris Troise, New York, NY– 12
  • Peter Casper, Brisbane, Queensland, Au. — 13
  • M.J. Finan, Cleveland, OH — Runner Up List Name
  • Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI — Banner, Guest Editor
  • Kenny Wolf, Wantauk, NY — FTP Consultant
  • Daniel Herskowitz, New York, NY — CD Burner
  • Chris White, Venice, Italy– Gondola Salesman
  • Pink Floyd, London, England– Ambience
T5090398

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