Signs You’re on a Mafia Hit List

The list for August 18, 1997
The Top 16 Signs You’re on a Mafia Hit List

  1. Your waiter wails in anguish as he tosses you the menu from the kitchen.

  2. Your plan to skim protection money was brilliant, unlike your infomercial telling others how to do likewise.

  3. AOL calls to tell you your ID has been changed to SammyTheWeasel.

  4. Brakes seem squishy, accelerator’s kinda stuck, and there’s a half-eaten Canolli in your ashtray.

  5. Three days in a row, you’ve thrown the Don’s newspaper underneath the lawn sprinkler.

  6. Late payment notice for that $33.5 million loan pinned to horse’s head in your golf cart.

  7. When making fun of his hair, you didn’t realize that "Don" is not Mr. King’s name, it’s his title.

  8. Much too late, you realize that your "Italian loafers" comment was misinterpreted.

  9. "I’m afraid you’ve TP’d Mr. Sinatra’s estate for the last time, my friend."

  10. The sales guy at Thom McKann keeps steering you toward the Nike "Concrete Jordans."

  11. Tiny pieces of Jimmy Hoffa keep showing up in your salad.

  12. New Dominos delivery guy is in his mid-50’s, and he’s wearing a white suit with a black shirt.

  13. The Witness Protection Program finds you a nice flat in Sicily.

  14. Not only have you received the "kiss of death," but also the "pat on the butt of death," the "hand on your knee of death," and now the "genital fondle of death."

  15. The Don recommends you try the Fettucine Olestra.
And the Number 1 Sign You’re on a Mafia Hit List…

  1. The prostitute’s head you found in your bed can only be the work of Tony "Hard of Hearing" Mancuso.
.
CREDITS
Selected from 86 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 1 (16th #1)
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 2, 3
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 4, 15
  • Randy Wohl, Ma’ale Adumim, Israel — 5
  • Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 6
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 7
  • Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 7
  • Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI — 7
  • Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI — 8
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 9, 12
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 10
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 11
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 13
  • Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 14
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 14, Banner tag
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 16
  • Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV — Topic
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
  • Francis Sinatra, Palm Springs, CA — Ambience
T5081897

Previous post:

Next post: