The list for July 10, 1996
The Top 16 Signs You’re In The Wrong Espresso Bar
- Counter person wears dirty coveralls and espresso machine is driven by a fuel pump from a ’71 Dodge Dart.
- Caffe lattes served with or without Matzoh ball.
- Everywhere you look — naked people!
- The five Hell’s Angels sipping lattes demand a dance with your date.
- Festive trim on your mug is actually lipstick left by previous dozen customers.
- You overhear Joe Piscopo telling his buddies, “Let’s bolt, dudes, this place is lame!”
- To prevent costly lawsuits, coffee is served at a tepid 50 degrees.
- Everyone is just too damn calm.
- The bar’s “bouncer” spends entirely too long frisking you before he lets you in.
- You are mysteriously unable to rise from your chair, the level of coffee in your cup never goes down regardless of how much you drink, and Rod Serling is standing in the corner moralizing about what a weak, pathetic, coffee-addicted fo
- New flavor: Crackuccino.
- It’s named “Midnight Espresso” and the Turkish security guard keeps leering at you.
- Sprinkles on the frothy steamed milk are actually gnats.
- Today’s special? “Bacon Double Beef Espresso”
- Your half-caff/double-latte is served in a double-caff/half-latte cup.
And the Number 1 Sign You’re In The Wrong Espresso Bar…
- Juan Valdez is giving “pony rides” and he didn’t bring his donkey.
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CREDITS
Selected from 96 submissions by 33 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Don Horton, Sacramento, CA — 1 (1st #1!)
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 2
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 3
- Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV — 4
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 5
- Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO — 6
- Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY — 7
- Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY — 8
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 9
- Dave George, Arlington, VA — 10
- Randy Wohl, Ma’ale Adumim, Israel — 11
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 12
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 13
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 14
- Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA — 15
- Brad Schreiber, Los Angeles, CA — 16
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — Topic
- Chris White, NY, NY — Listmeister
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