Signs Your Stock Broker Is Losing It

The list for May 20, 1998

The Top 16 Signs Your
Stock Broker Is Losing It

Recommends eating Pfizer stock certificates one-hour before sex.
Tells you he can get you controlling stock in IBM for three bucks and twenty-two thousand Bazooka Joe comics.
His "meticulous research" for your international portfolio consisted of taking his family to Epcot.
Twice this week, she’s threatened to jump off the window ledge — of her BMW.
Has switched to "Roscoe, the dart-throwing crack monkey" as his preferred method of picking stocks.
Seeing him on the 6 o’clock news was a shock even though he’d spent the past week saying he was about to make a killing on Wall Street.
Tells you to buy pharmaceuticals because he can influence the market "personally."
Responds to your inquiry about buying low and selling high with, "Oh, let’s not give them the pleasure of falling for THAT old ploy."
Eschewed the $450 briefcase and fancy suspenders for a $4 Spice Girls lunchbox and a rope belt, "like the ones Jethro and Ellie Mae wore."
His stock selection method: Tear, wipe, read. Repeat until roll is empty.
Tucks your two thousand shares of ZDNet into his bra for safekeeping.
Donated all your money to a soup kitchen because he "really really really loves soup."
His advice: "Put everything in Sea Monkeys and let it ride, baby!"
Tells you he left Smith, Barney and now works for "just plain Barney."
Your entire portfolio now rests on the success of one miss Candy Goodhead, Times Square "entrepreneur."

And the Number 1 Sign Your Stock Broker Is Losing It…

Shows up in a big floppy leopard skinned hat adorned with a peacock feather, and says, "The market’s feeling a little Huggy Bear-ish today, my man!"

CREDITS

Selected from 123 submissions from 45 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5052098