Signs You’ll be Sitting at the Kiddie Table for Christmas Dinner

The list for December 22, 1997
The Top 16 Signs You’ll be Sitting at
the Kiddie Table for Christmas Dinner

  1. You misunderstood when Aunt Nancy asked you to put the *condiments* on the table.

  2. Your "napkin" has snaps and a picture of Elmo.

  3. Your 13-year old nephew: Just graduated from med school. You: Just graduated from your 10th year in eighth grade.

  4. Your worsening lactose-intolerance will be a source of amusement there.

  5. You keep stuffing two carrots up your nose and screaming, "Tusks! I AM the Walrus, koo koo kachoo!"

  6. Grandpa can cry "ageism" all he wants — but no one gets around the family Diaper Rule.

  7. When you ask for wine, the hostess laughs and fills your glass with chocolate milk.

  8. Last year’s little "cranberry sauce carved into the shape of genitalia" stunt still not forgiven.

  9. Room needed at adult table for the paramedics who extracted the cranberries from your nose last year.

  10. Being a mother at age 13 *still* doesn’t qualify you, dammit!

  11. Your attempt to carve Thanksgiving’s turkey with a chainsaw led to a role in a movie directed by Wes Craven.

  12. You’re Jerry Seinfeld, and you don’t want your date to be over there all by herself.

  13. Mia doesn’t like playing footsie as much as Soon-Yi.

  14. Five minutes till dinner, and you’re the only one who still has Play-Doh on your plate.

  15. *Every* table is a kiddie table at the Neverland!
And the Number 1 Sign You’ll be Sitting at the Kiddie Table for Christmas Dinner…

  1. You’ve already labeled your left nostril "Milk" and your right one "Soda".
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CREDITS
Selected from 124 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 1 (15th #1)
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 2
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 2
  • Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 2
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 2
  • Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA — 3, 15
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 4
  • Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 5
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 6
  • Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada — 7
  • Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 8
  • Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 9
  • Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA — 10
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 11
  • Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 12
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 13
  • Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN — 14
  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — 16
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — Topic
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/moderator
  • Genesis, London, England — Ambience
T5122297

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