The list for July 19, 1996
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Background for today’s Special Edition Top Five List:
In the first incarnation of The Top Five List, back in 1994,
LeMel Hebert-Williams was one of our brightest stars.
Then he dropped out of sight faster than Arsenio.
After every attempt at getting in touch with LeMel failed
(including a seance that we’d rather not discuss), Top Five
elected him to our Hall of Fame, where he has since been
represented by a photo of a milk carton bearing his name.
Last week, LeMel returned as suddenly as he left, and
took the #1 spot on Friday’s list (7/12) with his first
submission. So, LeMel is indeed back, but there is
still one big question left unanswered.
Until now…
The Top 20 Reasons for the Disappearance
of LeMel Hebert-Williams
of LeMel Hebert-Williams
- Forbes campaign left him physically and emotionally exhausted.
- Airfare for guest appearance on Ricki Lake show was one way.
- Oh the pressure, the pressure! It was the pressure, I tell you!!
- His submission to the “Top 5 Ayatollah Pickup Lines” list got him in some *very* hot water.
- Innocent victim of a random Samantha Stevens nose twitch.
- Two years of domestic bliss came to a screeching halt when Madonna started puking in his corn flakes every morning.
- Standing in for the late Vic Tayback in the French version of “Alice.”
- Embarassed by the T5 photograph: he really DOES look like a milk carton!
- Restricted inpatient Internet access at Bellevue.
- Got lucrative job as “coffee boy” at Worldwide Pants.
- Details sketchy but 2 key elements found: 1995 Calendar marked “Year of The Change” and airline ticket stubs to Denmark.
- Was summoned to the White House to write Top Five Lists for Chelsea’s amusement.
- Once appeared on “Different Strokes” — thus jail time was inevitable.
- Kidnapping plot by insanely jealous Louderback brothers went horribly awry.
- Evading Ringling Brothers after cashing checks made out to Gunther Gebel-Williams.
- Same reason most people disappear: infrarelativistic temporospatial vortex.
- Was drill instructor at secret Top Five Contributor Training Camp in Arlington, VA.
- His “Learn to Be Funny in One Hour” lesson with Bob Dole ran a tad longer than expected.
- Arrested by AOL after discovery that he’d gotten 10 free hours 472 times.
And the Number 1 Reason for the Disappearance of LeMel Hebert-Williams…
- “After Jenny left, I just started running. And that’s all I have to say about that.”
.
CREDITS
Selected from 121 submissions by 37 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 1, 18 (3rd #1)
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 1, 17 (2nd #1)
- Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA — 2
- Matt Alford, Salem, OR — 3, 17
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 4
- Larry Baum, La Jolla, CA — 5
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA — 6
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 7
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 8
- Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN — 9
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 10
- Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI — 11
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 12, 17
- Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY — 13
- Dave George, Arlington, VA — 14, 17
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 14
- Greg Sherwin, San Francisco, CA — 14
- Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA — 14
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 15
- Jeff Johnson, Daly City, CA — 16, 17
- Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 17
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 19
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 20
- Chris White, NY, NY — Listmeister
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