Indications You Won’t Win Olympic Gold

The list for July 12, 1996

The Top 20 Indications You Won’t Win Olympic Gold

Those bastards on the Olympic committee still refusing to make pie eating a medal sport.
You get seriously winded just going to the fridge for that second beer.
Still can’t consistently beat your dad.
Your athletic shoe sponsor? Doc Marten.
Your training includes a dozen Dairy Queen Blizzards per day.
After a week in Atlanta, your only photo session instructions have been “Now turn to the right!”
You’re down to a couple of packs a day, but just can’t seem to quit.
You wander through the quaint streets of Lillehammer asking, “Where is everybody?”
Spandex only stretches so far.
You can’t even win regular size fries at McDonald’s.
Olympic Gold gives me the runs… Now, Olympic Lite — I can drink that by the case!
Mom insists you wear floaties for the 100-meter freestyle.
Your only corporate sponsor is the guy selling oranges near the freeway.
Muscles ache after a vigorous game of foosball.
You’ve just decided to defect *TO* Cuba.
Less than two weeks to go, and your ass is still glued to the couch.
During the rifle competition, you inadvertently shoot Izzy in the ass.
The only clapping you hear when you run is the sound of your thighs banging into one another.
Daily jog to McDonalds for Big Macs doesn’t exactly qualify you for the 10K, and besides, you’ve got a country to run.

And the Number 1 Indication You Won’t Win Olympic Gold…

Your competitor is referred to as “America’s Sweetheart.” You’re referred to as “That little slut from Trenton.”

CREDITS

Selected from 146 submissions by 58 contributors.

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