Problems With Celebrity Astronauts

The list for June 5, 2020
SpaceX and NASA have confirmed that actor
Tom Cruise will be sent into space to shoot
a film aboard the International Space Station.

Yes, seriously.

The Top 17 Problems With Celebrity Astronauts

  1. Sigourney seems awfully damn pessimistic about the mission.

  2. Gene Simmons’ interpretation of bringing "Tang" on board requires several additional spacesuits.

  3. Tom Cruise insists on setting course for whatever galaxy Xenu is from.

  4. The AI tries to open the airlock whenever Kanye is nearby.

  5. Neil deGrasse Tyson spends the entire time pointing at things and saying, "I know what that is!"

  6. Every time John Goodman bumps into the hull it throws the ISS out of orbit.

  7. Space may be infinite but it shouldn’t be this hard to find Astronaut Waldo.

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle keeps tainting the oxygen supply.

  9. Other astronauts are forced to watch Taylor Swift write a whiny song about her boyfriend being distant is and how dark everything outside her window is.

  10. Tom Hanks won’t stop with the "Houston, we have an instestinal gas problem" gag.

  11. In space, *everyone* can hear Gilbert Gottfried scream.

  12. Weightless and bra-less Kim Kardashian is a serious safety hazard.

  13. Mike Pence keeps asking if the rocket is going to fall off the Earth’s edge.

  14. Impossible for engineers to get Snoop Dog any higher.

  15. "You’re right, Ms, Kondo, freeze-dried ice cream does not spark joy, but you can’t just throw it out the airlock."

  16. "Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and this is the Fart-in-a-Spacesuit challenge!"
And the Number 1 Problem With Celebrity Astronauts…

  1. Tom Brady keeps letting the air out of the Space Station.
Selected from 82 submissions from 30 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA — 1 (22nd #1)
  • Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada — 2, 13, 15 (Hat trick!)
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL — 3
  • Slick Sharkey, Clayton, GA — 4, 5
  • Andrea Kelly, Brookeville, MD — 6
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 6
  • Brad Hamer, Austin, TX — 7
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 7
  • Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — 7, 10
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 8, 17
  • Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX — 9
  • Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 11, 12
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 14
  • Reid Kerr, Sugartit, KY — 15
  • Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA — 15
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — 16, list moderator

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