Bullet Points in President Trump’s Social Media Executive Order

The list for June 1, 2020
Last week, President Trump signed an executive
order aimed at social media companies just two
days after Twitter infuriated him by labeling
two of his tweets as “potentially misleading.”
The Top 20 Bullet Points
in President Trump’s
Social Media Executive Order

  1. The President will automatically be tagged in posts mentioning McDonald’s or KFC.

  2. Online news will only be available via a single app edited by whomever is President at the time.

  3. Democrats are restricted to using Google+ and Friendster.

  4. Videos featuring young women are required to insert a deep-fake Joe Biden attempting to lick their ears.

  5. Questionably factual posts will henceforth be labeled "Obama’s fault!"

  6. Posts must be responsible, with the exception of presidential abuse of the word "treason."

  7. Tik Tok and Snapchat: No changes necessary, since nobody over 21 knows what the fuck they are anyway.

  8. Fake news websites domains will be changed from .com to .commie.

  9. I hereby establish a new social media platorm: MySpaceForce

  10. The only ads permitted are for My Pillow, Chick-fil-A, and an Adderal dealer in DC named Phil.

  11. A statement is not a lie if it begins with, "People say that…"

  12. All pictures of the First Lady (especially nudes) must be captioned with "Property of Donald J. Trump."

  13. No grammer or spellling corrections aloud!

  14. Every time a white supremecist retweets the President, the President gets a cheeseburger!

  15. In the absence of a FULL apology from Twitter, the president will COMPLETELY CEASE all personal usage of the platform until AT LEAST later this evening.

  16. Twitter may continue to label Trump tweets "potentially misleading" so long as it labels Biden tweets "potentially coherent."

  17. Who needs Facebook anyway? Click "Like" if you agree.

  18. Executive branch tweets are required to be read aloud on-air, in a non-mocking tone, by Rachel Maddow.

  19. Use of lower-case is HENCEFORTH ILLEGAL!
And the Number 1 Bullet Point in President Trump’s Social Media Executive Order…

  1. "Trump" will now be autocorrected to "His Royal Presidentness."
Selected from 93 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 1 (63rd #1)
  • Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 2
  • Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 2
  • Reid Kerr, Sugartit, KY — 3
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 4
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 5
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 6
  • Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX — 7
  • Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA — 8
  • Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY — 8
  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 9
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 10, 15
  • Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada — 11, 16
  • Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA — 12
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 13
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — 15, list moderator
  • Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY — 17
  • Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA — 18
  • Stephanie S. Thompson, Brainerd, MN — 18
  • Roy Skogstrom, Pepeekeo, HI — 19
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 20

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