You Won’t be Selected as Bob Dole’s Running Mate

The list for August 9, 1996

Top 16 Signs You Won’t be Selected
as Bob Dole’s Running Mate

Larry King calls your selection “money in the bank.”
Your last name is “Libby” or “Del Monte.”
Zipper stuck and you can’t get out of that damn cigarette costume.
Hard Copy reporters spotted you cruising for chicks with Ted Kennedy one too many times.
Those pesky stalking convictions.
No response to faxes showing the tattoo on your ass that reads “Dole ’96.”
Tipper gently reminds you that you already ARE the Vice President.
Your mom and dad, the Cliftons, chose to name you “Bill.”
You had young Robert as a student in the third grade.
You keep exclaiming, “Oooh, that’s gotta hurt!” when he smiles.
You’re already the “majority whip” — at the local S&M club.
You keep referring to him as “Pineapple Boy.”
Not only did you inhale, you snorted, dropped, shot up, swallowed, popped, and sniffed.
You keep replacing his pen with licorice.
People still think of you as the goon who slept with Amy Fisher.

And the Number 1 Sign You Won’t be Selected as Bob Dole’s Running Mate…

Still manages to extend the middle finger of his right hand when you enter the room.

CREDITS

Selected from 164 submissions by 51 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

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