The list for October 18, 1996
The Top 17 Ways to Seem “Presidential”
- Instead of paying your bills, stamp a big red “VETO” on them.
- Be way, way cooler than anyone claiming to be Vice President.
- Continuous loop of “Hail to the Chief” on your boom box.
- Votes. Try to get more votes than your opponent. Next question?*
- When someone catches you in a lie, respond with, “Well, there you go again…” and finish with a football story.
- Close your eyes, spin the globe, point, and send in troops.
- During debates, try not to harp on the “cooties” issue.
- Sink your wooden teeth into a Big Mac or two, then tell the manager to bill the Federal Reserve.
- When faced with character assassination, stand tall and laugh it off. When faced with actual assassination, duck.
- End every statement with, “Viva El Presidente! That’s Me!”
- Make the wife and kids run alongside the car wearing trenchcoats and sunglasses, looking around nervously and speaking into their watches.
- As Commander-In-Chief, declare war on spouse for stealing the remote.
- Affix your “Presidential Seal” to anything in a skirt, if you know what I mean.
- Avoid falling off stages.
- Simply ignore Ross Perot when he tries to jump up and bite you in the knee.
- Always keep pants in full upright and locked position.
And the Number 1 Way to Seem “Presidential”…
- Lie like there’s no tomorrow!!!
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CREDITS
Selected from 106 submissions by 33 contributors
Today’s list authors were:
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 1 (1st #1!)
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 2
- Matt Alford, Salem, OR — 3
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 4
- Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO — 5
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 6
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 7
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 7
- Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA — 7
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 7
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 7
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 8
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 9
- Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL — 10
- Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 10
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 10
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 11
- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO — 12
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 13
- Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR — 14
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 15
- David Hyatt, New York, NY — 16
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 17
- Chris White, NY, NY — Topic, Listmeister
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