Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash

The list for October 29, 1997

The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide
After the Stock Market Crash

Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister’s window. Wait.
Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.
The “Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts” from worthless stock certificates.
Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.
Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you’ve been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.
Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he’s a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.
Hold a “Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez” meeting at your Miami apartment.
Tie yourself to Marv Albert’s career.
Jump from the top of Janet Reno.
Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker.
Sneak up quietly behind a bear, carefully place both hands on its rear haunches, and attempt to get some eye-for-an-eye revenge, if you know what I mean.
1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show.

And the Number 1 Way to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash…

Ponder the fact that Gates the Geek won’t even miss the $1.75 *billion* he lost today, until your head implodes.

CREDITS

Selected from 99 submissions from 40 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5102997