Ways to Commemorate the 20th Anniversary of Elvis Presley’s Death

The list for August 13, 1997

The Top 15 Ways to Commemorate the 20th
Anniversary of Elvis Presley’s Death

Have the King exhumed, breaded, deep-fried & reburied.
For crying out loud, he’s NOT DEAD! How many 7-11 sightings does it take to CONVINCE you people?
Show your support for Sonny and Red by joining them down at the Teamsters picket.
Eat some cake… a whole cake, in fact… and some pork.
Point out that the "king of rock ‘n’ roll" neither wrote nor actually played guitar on most of his songs, and then wait to get pummeled by a herd of large middle-aged Southern women in lime green stretchpants and big hair.
Your choice: Exhume Richard Nixon for a photo op, or do the nasty with Ann-Margret.
Go to gravesite and hear whirling sound as Lisa Marie announces her latest engagement.
The same way Elvis would: make it with Priscilla, then head to Krispy Kreme.
Have a couple of fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches with a nice barbiturate salad.
Call up Priscilla and order her to trowel on the mascara.
Go to Circuit City and shoot up a few TV’s.
Try to relieve yourself without bursting any major arteries.
At quittin’ time, toss your scarf to receptionist.
Two words: lard shots.

And the Number 1 Ways to Commemorate the 20th Anniversary of Elvis Presley’s Death…

Steal the artistic heritage of an oppressed minority, twist it into a grotesque perversion, make millions exploiting your less-than-genius fans, then die on the toilet before your daughter can marry a bizarre freak of pop culture.

CREDITS

Selected from 75 submissions from 29 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5081397