Ways to Celebrate Your 100th Assisted Suicide (Part I)

The list for March 19, 1998
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
In honor of Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s milestone 100th assisted suicide, Top5 brings you…
The Top 16 Ways to Celebrate
Your 100th Assisted Suicide
(Part I)

  1. For #100, let’s just say to Hell with that annoying “terminal illness” requirement.

  2. Head for Times Square and wait for Dick Clark’s blood pressure to drop.

  3. Offer 1.9% GMAC Financing.

  4. Set goal of trying harder — the tobacco companies are still so far ahead in the league standings.

  5. Same as with #1 — dinner for 2 with “Big Lou” in the Detroit jail.

  6. Update your website to read, “ONE HUNDRED dead people and no convictions yet!”

  7. Line up next couple dozen clients by cranking Michael Bolton at the celebratory bash.

  8. “I’m going to Defrost Walt Disney!!”

  9. Call the boys at the Franklin Mint and tell them they can issue that centennial plate now.

  10. Explain to President Clinton that you don’t do *political* suicides.

  11. Light a hundred candles on a cake, then freak everyone out by snuffing them out one at a time.

  12. Just for the day, change your name from “Dr. Death” to “Dr.Hanky-Panky.”

  13. Appear on The Today Show as Willard Scott’s “assistant.”

  14. Get a couple of hookers and give the back of that van some *live* action for a change.

  15. “Bartender! Purple Kool-Aid for all my friends!”
And the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Your 100th Assisted Suicide…

  1. Pop open a cold one. Just be sure to put him back in his drawer after you’ve danced him around the morgue.
.
CREDITS
Selected from 148 submissions from 57 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 1 (7th #1)
  • Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 2
  • Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 2
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 2
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 2, RU list name
  • Peg Warner, Exeter, NH — 3, Topic
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 4
  • Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 5
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 6
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 6
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 7
  • David Berlind, New York, NY — 8 (Rookie!)
  • John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 9
  • Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 9
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 10
  • Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 10
  • Matt Moore, Fresno, CA — 11
  • Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 12
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 13
  • Duncan Haberly, Charlottesville, VA — 14
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 15
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 15
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 16
  • LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA — Banner Tag
  • Megadeth, Los Angeles, CA — Ambience
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