The list for May 15, 2013
The Top 15 Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer
- Fan yourself with the last $100 of your 401(k).
- Move to London — they’ve already had their two sunny days this year.
- Enjoy the breeze from all the toddler gunfire whizzing past.
- Take your roommate’s advice and sleep on the floor of your cell.
- Submerge yourself in the chilling atmosphere of your teenager’s indifference.
- When in your new home, simply roll down the windows.
- Make suit of milk cartons; hide in grocer’s dairy case.
- Cozy up to Nicki Minaj’s shoulder when Mariah Carey is close by.
- Ice-sculpt your own hammock.
- Announce that James Franco has been chosen to host the Oscars again, then wait for the media reaction.
- Step 1: Stand in front of electric fan.
Step 2: Wet pants.
- Propose HR 1125, which cuts taxes on the super rich, offset by additional sin taxes on gun show sales. If it somehow passes, Hell will freeze over!
- Same way you usually do: one frozen beef patty on each thigh until some customer orders a Quarter Pounder.
- 1) Fluids must be continuously replenished from sweating.
2) Salts assist in water retention in the tissues.
3) Alcohol lowers the core body temperature.
Therefore, if you don’t have a rotating fleet of Camelbaks filled to the brim with dirty martinis, your discomfort is a direct result of your illogical and stubborn disrespect for science.
And the Number 1 Way to Beat the Heat This Summer…
- Buy a ukulele, because NOTHING is cooler than a ukulele.
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CREDITS
Selected from 78 submissions from 28 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL — 1 (23rd #1)
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 2
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA — 3, 12
- Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA — 4, 8
- Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT — 5, 8
- Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID — 6
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA — 7
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 9
- Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 10, 15
- Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 11
- David Kass, Queens, NY — 13
- SarahJayne Bennett, London, England — 14
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
- Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor
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