The list for February 18, 1998
The Top 16 Ways the Olympics
Would Differ if Held in Arkansas
Would Differ if Held in Arkansas
- Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
- Little Rock’s most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name.
- In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.
- The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase.
- No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat.
- Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
- Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes’ frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin’ all them new Russian ones!"
- Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.
- Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.
- Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing Competition."
- Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
- Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by awards of gold, silver and bronze teeth.
- Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.
- Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
- Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes.
And the Number 1 Way the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas…
- Two words: Billy Bobsledding
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CREDITS
Selected from 120 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 1 (1st #1!)
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 1, 4 (5th #1)
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN — 1 (5th #1)
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY — 2
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 3
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH — 4
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 5
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 6
- Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 6
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 7
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 8
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 9
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 10
- Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA — 11
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 12
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 12
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 13
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 14
- Jennifer Markes, West Hollywood, CA — 15
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 16
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 16
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — Topic
- Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN — Topic
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — Banner Tag
- Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/moderator
- Jim Dandy & Co., Arkansas — Ambience
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