The list for August 22, 1997
The Top 16 Ways the FBI Can
Apologize to Richard Jewell
Apologize to Richard Jewell
- One burger and fries, coming right up!
- Gift-wrapped VHS box set of White House surveillance footage of JFK “gettin’ it on.”
- “Special Guest Executioner” for Tim McVeigh.
- A new pick-up, a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a fabulous fun-filled weekend with Janet Reno.
- The “We’re mostly sorry but we still think you did it” bouquet from FTD.
- Coupon for free wiretap with purchase of any illegal search-and-seizure.
- Send Special Agent Richard Simmons by with an “I’m sorry” hug and a set of Deal-a-Meal cards.
- Let him help with some serious-ass surveillance on that commie, Tom Brokaw.
- Allow him to select his very own dress from J. Edgar Hoover’s private closet.
- Put him in charge of marshmallow toasting at the FBI’s next cult compound burning.
- An official FBI “Definitely Not a Terrorist” wallet card.
- Grant him permission to detonate a pipe bomb under the Spice Girl of his choice.
- Nothing says “I’m sorry!” like five pounds of plastic explosives!
- Gets to play Elvis in scene with President Nixon in remake of the “FBI Story.”
- Send him off on a special “undercover” assignment at Hooters.
And the Number 1 Way the FBI Can Apologize to Richard Jewell…
- “Rutti Tutti Fresh and Fruity” at IHOP for a year.
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CREDITS
Selected from 91 submissions from 32 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 1, 13 (9th #1)
- Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI — 2
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 3, 7
- Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 4
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 5, 8, 15
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 6, 8
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 8, 13
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 8, 13
- Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD — 8, 13
- Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 8, 14
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 8, Topic
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 8
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 8
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 8
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 8
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 9
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 10
- Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 11
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL — 12
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 13
- Ken Shinodo, Keizer, OR — 14, 15
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 16
- Elton John, Atlanta, GA — Ambience
- LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA — Banner tag
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