The list for April 30, 1997
The Top 15 Tony Randall Parenting Tips
- Put extra veggies in the blender, we’re feeding two now.
- Resist the urge to spoil her by giving her everything you didn’t have as a young child… such as “movies with talking.”
- A little brandy in the formula keeps baby quiet through an entire performance of Madame Butterfly.
- No need to teach them about the birds and the bees until they’re in their early 60’s.
- A recording of Klugman belching “Ave Maria” will quiet even the most fussy infant.
- *Never* chase your toddler around the garden with a slice of orange in your mouth.
- Tiny hands are perfect for getting Ben-Gay into those hard to reach nooks & crannies.
- Baby gets the milk, Dad gets the Milk of Magnesia.
- Call up Anthony Quinn and that 63-year-old mom to form an embarrassingly-old-parents support group.
- Forget staying up with him all night, just try to make it through the afternoon.
- Take good care of yourself so you’re around to see your child graduate… from kindergarten.
- If you shave ’em, old-man breasts are close enough to fool a crying infant.
- Your pacemaker isn’t going haywire — Tickle Me Elmo’s supposed to do that.
- No matter what your age, the more kids you father, the fewer people question your sexual orientation.
And the Number 1 Tony Randall Parenting Tip…
- Forget piano lessons — teach the kid CPR, ASAP!
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CREDITS
Selected from 80 submissions from 32 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 1 (12th #1)
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 2
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 3
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 4, 13
- Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV — 5
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 6
- Peg Warner, Derry, NH — 7
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 8, Topic
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 9
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 10
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 11
- Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI — 12
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 14
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 15
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 15
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