Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Barista Say

The list for May 3, 2013
The Top 18 Things You Don’t
Want to Hear a Barista Say

  1. "Our Wi-Fi is down today,sir. Why don’t you just ask me whatever you need to know."

  2. "Anybody can make a leaf pattern using the milk foamer. Takes a real expert to do it with a penis."

  3. "Breast milk or skim?"

  4. "With every venti drink today, you’re required to accept a John Tesh CD."

  5. "Extra shot of ricin– er, caramel flavor today?"

  6. "Hey, can I tell you about my screenplay? No? Want to hear the new song I wrote?"

  7. "So, long story short: We mixed his ashes in with the Italian roast"

  8. Your drink order repeated but in a vexed tone with the words rearranged.

  9. "Nope, got no Madagascar Cinnamon, but I got a couple ounces of Lebanese Blonde, brah!"

  10. "Actually, there’s a good reason that coffee filter looks like underwear with a huge skid mark."

  11. "I have an order for a double-shot, half-calf, extra spit grande with whipped cream for Douchebag."

  12. "Just a ‘normal’ black coffee? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO WE ARE?!?"

  13. "It’s our English Winner blend, with 3% real horse meat."

  14. "Has anyone seen my tongue stud?"

  15. "So that’s what a ‘dirty chai’ is? Sorry, man, I was WAY off."

  16. "Here you go. I left room for dreams!"

  17. "We were all out of that fancy civet-poop coffee, so I swallowed some beans and made my own."
And the Number 1 Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Barista Say…

  1. "Good morning, Mom. What can I get for you?"
.
CREDITS
Selected from 103 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY — 1, 8, 13 (15th #1) (Hat trick!)
  • Daina Schatz, New York, NY — 2, 13
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 2, 9
  • Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA — 2
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 3, 5, 11 (Hat trick!)
  • Stephanie Landes, Findlay, OH — 4, 5
  • Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA — 5
  • Doug Finney, Houston, TX — 5
  • Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA — 5
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 5
  • David Kass, Queens, NY — 6
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 7, 14
  • Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 10
  • SarahJayne Bennett, London, England — 12, 17
  • Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL — 15
  • Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID — 16
  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 16
  • Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 16
  • Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 18
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor
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