Things No Parent Said, Ever

The list for May 22, 2013
The Top 20 Things No Parent Said, Ever

  1. "Take the scissors to Daddy. Hurry! Run!"

  2. "Honey, he’s a valedictorian. Don’t you know any nice bass players?"

  3. "You know the rules, Billy: You don’t make your bed, you do two shots."

  4. "Sure, bring Jimmy along. I’m sure it’s not the contagious kind of flu."

  5. "Have a nice time at the prom, sweetie. Here’s $1000 for bail money."

  6. "On balance, my childhood was sooooo much easier than yours."

  7. "Come on, sweetie, it’s prom; you can show a little more cleavage than that."

  8. "How about making me another one of these macaroni pictures?"

  9. "Be home by midnight, and make sure you orally gratify whatever nice young man you’re going out with."

  10. "I totally believe Casey Anthony."

  11. "The porn under Timmy’s bed is getting stale. We’ll need to change it."

  12. "Son, if you want to have a great date, ask a gal who’s fast and loose like your mom."

  13. "Sweetie, Mommy has a headache. Could you please distract me with more of that yelling and pot-banging?"

  14. "Just wait till your other mother gets home; she’s gonna bust a cap in your ass."

  15. "These kids practically pay for themselves!"

  16. "Someday when you have kids of your own, you’ll look back and realize what a total ass I’m being now."

  17. "The sound of a baby crying makes me feel so alive!"

  18. "If you don’t watch ‘Walking Dead’ with me, I will not take you to Chuck E. Cheese, and that’s final!"

  19. "He’s only hitting you because he hates you and thinks you’re ugly."
And the Number 1 Thing No Parent Said, Ever…

  1. "Careful, you’ll put an eye out! But hey, that’s why you have a spare."
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CREDITS
Selected from 95 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 1 (19th #1)
  • Jay Shuck, Minneapolis, MN — 2, 15
  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 3
  • Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — 4
  • Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC — 5
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 6, 11, 13 (Hat trick!)
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 7
  • Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX — 8
  • Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 9
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 10
  • Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA — 12
  • Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 14
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 14
  • Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA — 14
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 16
  • Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 17
  • Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY — 18
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ — 19
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 20
  • Adrienne Commeree, Olympia, WA — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor
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