The list for January 12, 1998
The Top 16 Ski Slope Safety Tips
- If your family name means “Great Tragedy” in Gaelic, stick to the hot tub.
- If you follow in someone else’s tracks, make sure they aren’t a squirrel’s.
- Evergreens merely sneer at diplomatic immunity.
- Keep your mind on the slope in front of you and quit wondering what new plastic surgery your ex-wife has had.
- Pants should remain in the “up” position when descending.
- Do NOT attempt to chase British secret agents. They have the annoying habit of hiding near treacherous cliffs.
- Guys, watch the slopes, not the women: otherwise, wood might be sporting you.
- Boogie boarder Dirk Diggler must keep his zipper zipped at all times.
- A good codpiece is more than just a fashion accessory.
- Always remember: In cartoons, when someone skis toward a tree and their legs get REAL long so the tree can go under — that’s just pretend!
- Safety, schmafety! Are we gonna play football or what?!
- Baseball stadium “beer hats” much safer on the slopes than those pesky hip flasks.
- Under no circumstances should you take skiing lessons from George of the Jungle.
- Don’t ski with Ted – He’s only looking for the St. Bernard.
- You can save considerable out-of-pocket expenses by hitting a tree that has been pre-approved by your HMO.
And the Number 1 Ski Slope Safety Tip…
- This is your brain… This is your brain on bark.
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CREDITS
Selected from 166 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Matt Alford, Portland, OR — 1 (6th #1)
- William Gray, San Jose, CA — 2
- Tom Louderback, Boston, MA — 3, 12
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 4, 10
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 4, 16
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 4
- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada — 4 >
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 4
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 5
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 6
- Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA — 7
- Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA — 7
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 8, 9
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 11
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 13
- Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA — 14
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 15
- Tom Campbell, Atlanta, GA — Topic
- Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — Topic
- Douglas R. Gauck, Kinkos — Banner Tag
- Rush, Somwhere in Canada — Ambience
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