The list for September 11, 1996
The Top 15 Signs You’ve Picked
the Wrong All-Inclusive Resort
the Wrong All-Inclusive Resort
- Cable TV only picks up the Andy Rooney Channel.
- No matter how often you kill him, the guy in the hockey mask always comes back.
- All those FBI agents around the compound ruining the whole “getaway” aesthetic.
- 300 Shriners in the pool and you’re the only woman in sight.
- “Free jet skiing” is less appealing in a heavily mined Iraqian harbor.
- Nightly entertainment consists of a John Tesh impersonator.
- Three words: Club Baby Seal
- Chubby guy in a Speedo asks if you’d like to come to his cabana for a little back-shaving session.
- The “all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet” is a tepid vat of Dinty Moore and a box of sporks.
- You can deal with the daily 18 hours of forced hard labor, but what’s up with the uninspired dessert toppings?
- Concierge asks *you* where to get laid.
- Opening night contest: guess the number of Amway products used to prepare your meal.
- Entertainment Director announces that the resort has seceded from Jamaica and will now be known as the nation of Macarenia.
- The John Bobbitt ice sculpture detracts from the beautiful buffet.
And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Picked the Wrong All-Inclusive Resort…
- Activity Director books you on “Tupac’s Drive-By Adventure!”
.
CREDITS
Selected from 87 submissions by 35 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 1 (1st #1!)
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 2
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 3, Topic
- Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI — 4
- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO — 5
- David Hyatt, New York, NY — 6
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 7
- Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY — 8
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 8, 10, 15
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA — 9
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 11
- Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL — 12
- Patrick New, Chicago, IL — 13
- Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 14
- Chris White, NY, NY — Listmeister
T5Sep1196.shtml