Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Political Consultant

The list for September 4, 1996

The Top 18 Signs You’ve Hired
the Wrong Political Consultant

You wake up one morning with J. Danforth Quayle as your running mate.
That Dennis Rodman in a wedding dress thing? *HIS* concept.
Tells you, “I’ve partied with Ted Kennedy, and you’re no Ted Kennedy!”
Has a “Charlie Sheen Discount” card at Hooters.
Sets up photo op with Dumbo to try and steal the Perot vote.
Enormous expense account entries for “water-based lubricants.”
Advises you to launch a tactical nuclear strike on Iraq, even though you’re running for County Tax Assessor.
In order to “snag the babe vote,” leaks a rumor that you were once a Chippendale dancer.
Introduces his date as “first lady of the evening.”
Her idea of a fund-raiser involves ski masks and 7-11’s.
When faced with a decision, often mumbles, “Now, what would MacGuyver do?”
First whistlestop itinerary: New York, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Hamburg, Bangkok, and Amsterdam again.
Keeps mispronouncing the first syllable when talking about “Focus Groups.”
Constantly leaks to the press AND in the White House rose garden.
Her “Comprehensive Immigration Plan”: Turn in an undocumented Canadian, get a free can of corn.
Urges you to form a third party with a weasel for the symbol.
Holds $1.95 a plate fund-raisers at Denny’s.

And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Hired the Wrong Political Consultant…

CREDITS

Selected from 145 submissions by 40 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5Sep496.shtml