Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Life Coach

The list for June 17, 2013

The Top 14 Signs You’ve Hired
the Wrong Life Coach

Recommends that you slowly resolve your hoarding problem, one object at a time, starting by giving him all your money.
Suggested you try visualization to help you with your congenital blindness.
When he senses you’re getting frustrated, asks if you want to "cuddle it out."
She interrupts your meditation because she can’t figure out her new espresso machine, and she’s dying for a cup.
Suggests you change your name to Cosette and sing everything you say.
Every week’s "journey of self-fulfillment" turns out to be a 3-hour marathon at the King’s Table All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.
"Spin the spinner one more time, then we’ll talk about getting a baby."
The Stalin mustache he suggested you grow may exude strength and confidence, but it sure as shit isn’t helping your bikini-modeling career.
Helps lower your household budget by showing you how to steal cable.
Insists that you happily accept your role as her "slave-toy" during week one of your self-improvement program.
She’s the author of "Simplification Through Arson."
Instead of ending sessions with, "We need to stop," he shouts "It’s ME time!" then does a shot of Jager and starts his auto-erotic asphyxiation routine.
You meet in his trailer because his ’88 Corolla was repo’d.

And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Hired the Wrong Life Coach…

As your final symbolic act of mind over matter, he has you walk barefoot through Kohl’s.

CREDITS

Selected from 78 submissions from 28 contributors.

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