The list for May 9, 1996
The Top 17 Signs You’ve Hired
the Wrong Landscaper
the Wrong Landscaper
- Says he’ll water the roses as soon as he finishes his case of Bud.
- Actually grazes in your yard rather than mowing it.
- Plans call for entirely too much dynamite.
- White porcelain “fountain” has a flush handle.
- Sidewalk replaced with giant Slip and Slide.
- Resume includes the Brady Bunch back yard.
- Offers you a cut of the “cash crops” he’s planted in the garage.
- Keeps mumbling, “Huh-huh. You said ‘hoe.’ Huh-huh-huh.”
- Extends your lawn over nearby Native American burial grounds.
- His weeding technique: Call in an airstrike.
- Always has a big smile on his face when he’s done fertilizing.
- You find him shacked up in a cabin on a remote part of your property claiming to be exempt from US law.
- Automatic sprinkler system consists of dozens of “peeing cherub” statues.
- Insists that a few giant Chia pets would really set off the pink flamingos.
- Keeps showing neighborhood kids his “green thumb.”
- Wants to be referred to as the Landscaper Formerly Known as Prince.
And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Hired the Wrong Landscaper…
- Leaf blower? A bowl of chili and a strategically placed funnel.
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CREDITS
Selected from 141 submissions by 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 1
- Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC — 2, 7
- Joe Desiderio, New York, NY — 3
- Bill Burnett, Lexington, MA — 4
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA — 5
- Lemon/Rinaldi, San Francisco, CA — 6
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 8
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 9, 15
- Michael Wolf, Bronx, NY — 10
- Jim Louderback, New York, NY — 11
- Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA — 12 (Hall of Famer)
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 13
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 14
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 16 (Hall of Famer)
- Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA — 17 (Hall of Famer)
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