The list for December 2, 1996
The Top 15 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Eat
- Your moans are loud enough to signal Kevorkian and his van.
- You can play a tune by strumming your belt and drumming your pants seat.
- People at the mall ask you if you’re still married to Rosanne.
- You return from a walk through the park with grass stains on your butt, although you never sat down.
- You’ve spilled more food on your shirt than some countries consume in a year.
- You’ve gone beyond the last hole on the “Big Elvis Super-Belt”.
- Carl Sagan and PBS film crew arrive to capture the moment you “go supernova.”
- Too listless to reach for the remote, you watch the entire “Laker Girls” movie starring Tina Yothers.
- Pricking your finger for cholesteral screening only yields giblet gravy.
- Your career at Hooters comes to a sudden end.
- That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
- Your stomach flies home First Class, but your ass flies home Coach.
- Your bustline is suddenly two inches higher and you’re not on Baywatch.
- The fire department brings in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Had Too Much to Eat…
- Yet another visit from representatives of the Butterball Hall of Fame.
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CREDITS
Selected from 75 submissions from 25 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 1 (6th #1)
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 2
- Gene/Cynthia Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT — 2
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 3
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 4
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 5
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 6
- Dee Anne Phillips, Shreveport, LA — 7
- Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY — 8
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 9
- Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA — 10
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 11
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 12 (Rookie!)
- Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 13
- Boyd Johnson, San Diego, CA — 14
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 15
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — Topic
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