Signs You’ve Been in Vegas Too Long

The list for August 6, 1997

The Top 15 Signs You’ve
Been in Vegas Too Long

You’ve seen that same quarter three times.
The powder on your fingers sets off the airport metal detector.
You’re actually attempting to borrow money against the possibility that Bob Redford will want to sleep with your wife.
Your name is H. Ross Perot, and you just lost the entire State of Texas at the roulette wheel.
You start calling every black guy you see “Huggybear.”
Between the showgirls and the slot machines, your right arm looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, and your left arm looks like Arnold Horshack’s.
You’ve started to think LeRoy Neiman is tasteful.
You can now tell time based on which dealers are working.
Your week just isn’t complete until Rip Taylor showers you with confetti.
They used to throw you panties from Victoria’s Secret when you performed, but now they’re more like Queen Elizabeth’s secret.
You’ve got yourself one nasty case of neon burn.
The hookers you date begin looking less and less like Elizabeth Shue, and more and more like Elizabeth Dole.
You find yourself walking out of the $1.99 Circus Circus breakfast buffet with scrambled eggs dripping from both pockets and a slab of bacon warming your crotch.
You got 10 grand for your daughter last week; you’re not so optimistic about your son.

And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Been in Vegas Too Long…

Sigfried still leaves you cold, but you’re beginning to think that Roy is one hot potato.

CREDITS

Selected from 122 submissions from 42 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5080697