Signs You’ve Been Chosen to Lead Hell’s Army

The list for September 15, 1997

The Top 16 Signs You’ve Been
Chosen to Lead Hell’s Army

It always seems to be about 9000 degrees in your office, and everything you sit on instantly bursts into flame.
Everyone calls you "Coach Switzer."
Hell’s citizens discover it was you who gave Pauly Shore his break.
As you pass the Vatican, the Pope flashes something that looks alarmingly like a Crips signal.
You always seem to get a huge discount at Motel 666.
Your uniform arrives in the mail, complete with Bruno Magli loafers and a pair of ill-fitting gloves.
Do you think The Citadel trained you to set people on fire for no reason?
Hitler has the flu and Stalin tore a hamstring.
You haven’t lost a golf game to Schwartzkoff or Powell since you received that shirt with the pitchfork where the alligator should be.
Your likeness keeps popping up on heavy metal bands’ album covers.
The Oxyclear isn’t making much of an impact on that pentagram-shaped zit.
After years of struggle and sacrifice, you finally manage to have your image projected on that big screen at the Apple convention.
Your new bumper sticker? "Damned if you’re me, damned if you’re not me."
Your drinking buddies quit toasting you and calling you "Bub" and start saluting you and calling you "Beelzebub."
Every time you enter a room, Ed McMahon announces, "Heeeeeere’s Satan!"

And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Been Chosen to Lead Hell’s Army…

CREDITS

Selected from 85 submissions from 35 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5091597