Signs You’re Taking “The X-Files” Too Seriously

The list for July 15, 1998

The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking
"The X-Files" Too Seriously

Every morning, you march into Starbucks and ask for a cup of "The Black Oil."
You dropped out of high school, married your cousin, exposed yourself to a career counselor, and got fired from the car assembly plant because you thought that "someone else" would finish every other weld — and you believe
You conclude that every woman in your office is an alien clone, because of their cold indifference to your invitations to the planetarium.
You’re spending so much time looking for evidence of a global conspiracy, you’ve gotten behind in translating the collected works of Piers Anthony into Klingon.
"Alien Autopsy Buffet" night at the sports bar you own is not drawing crowds.
You color your hair red, start wearing designer pants-suits, and speaking in a low monotone — and your name’s Bob.
Persistent belief in the existence of straight FBI agents makes you the laughingstock of the Joint Chiefs.
You see a connection between the upcoming alien invasion and the FDA’s approval of a fat substitute that causes "anal leakage."
What most people call a beer gut you call a systematic governmental plot to destroy you.
Your best "puzzled David Duchovny" looks a lot more like a "constipated Jack Nicholson."
Goodbye, Spock ears. Hello, prosthetic arm.
Your new "The Truth Is Out There" tattoo is only fully visible an hour after taking your Viagra.

And the Number 1 Sign You’re Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously…

Every time you relieve yourself, you gaze into the bowl and yell, "Scully, there’s something in here I think you should see."

CREDITS

Selected from 142 submissions from 49 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5071598