The list for June 10, 1997
The Top 15 Signs You’re Not Ready for Summer
- Still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weedwhacker.
- The pool boy shows up with a backhoe.
- Putting on last year’s bathing suit requires Vaseline and a shoe horn.
- Used all your bikini wax to polish your hardwood floors during the winter.
- It’s springtime and you’re still planting gloves.
- Your new batch of ads featuring a pierced Joe Camel on a surfboard are three weeks behind schedule.
- Your belly has more rolls than Sara Lee, and besides, you’re still hungover from spring break.
- You refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.
- You’re so white, not even the White Aryan Resistance will take you.
- Vacation plans include a ValueJet flight to a Club Med Zaire.
- Recent guilty verdict on all 11 counts means you can kiss that Summer Patriot Training Camp trip goodbye.
- Without flood relief from slow-ass Congress, you’re still *living* in your bass boat.
- Despite therapy, you’re still not prepared for the coming endless airplay of “Kokomo.”
- The sun’s reflection off your phosphorescent white skin actually damaged one of Mir’s solar panels.
And the Number 1 Sign You’re Not Ready for Summer…
- Still confusing the George Clooney Batman with the Val Kilmer Batman.
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CREDITS
Selected from 111 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL — 1 (5th #1)
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 2, 5
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 3
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 4, 13
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 5, 6
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 7
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 8
- Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA — 9
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 9
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 10
- Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 11
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 12
- Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA — 13
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 14
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 15
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — Topic
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