Signs You’re Not at the Real Olympics

The list for July 17, 1996

The Top 20 Signs You’re Not
at the Real Olympics

You’re running the 100-meter dash against Scooby Doo and Shaggy.
Budweiser bottles take their positions on the starting blocks.
The Dream Team has Michael… but it also has Tito, Germaine, Janet and LaToya.
Official Olympic program sprinkled liberally with poorly typeset ads for Shorty’s Ribs.
Banner reading, “Sponsored by High Times Magazine.”
So-called Olympic “torch” closely resembles a Coleman lantern.
Disproportionate number of athletes named Corky.
Opening ceremonies consist of tapping a keg and releasing the weasel.
Swim coach insists you shave off *his* body hair.
Decathlete disqualified for not using standard table spoon in potato relay.
Water tables along marathon route handing out shots of Jaegermeister.
Competing countries include Oz and the People’s Republic of Hawaii.
Rules of 400-meter relay require you to chase a mechanical rabbit.
America’s best hope for boxing gold? Stallone and DeNiro.
You’re pulled out of the crowd to run the 4×100 meter relay after the original anchor goes into labor.
Crack open that gold medal — it’s choc-o-licious!
10-meter platform dive replaced with tire swing competition.
Alpha Theta fails in bid for fourth consecutive gold medal in distance vomiting.
Winner of the long jump? Not Carl, but *Emmanuel* Lewis.

And the Number 1 Sign You’re Not at the Real Olympics…

CREDITS

Selected from 183 submissions by 54 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5071796