Signs You’re Not a Fashion Model (Part I)

The list for March 20, 1997

The Top 15 Signs You’re Not a Fashion Model
(Part I)

When you do the Macarena, jet planes start parking in front of you.
Rik Ocasik, Billy Joel, and David Copperfield push the needle all the way to the right on your dork-meter.
That photo of you and your Pug on the family homepage, with the caption, “I’m the one on the left.”
You only landed the lead role in “Hunchback” because the producers wanted to save money on makeup.
Despite most valiant efforts, there always seems to be something going on behind your eyes.
Your latest workout video is called “Abs of Custard.”
You’ve eaten an entire raisin at a single sitting.
6 feet tall? Check. 134 pounds? Check. No beard stubble? Damn!
The Wonderbra has no place to put your third breast.
That Cindy Crawford beauty mark? A stray chocolate chunk from your Ben n’ Jerry’s Super Mocha Chocolate Brownie Supreme.
You were on for an hour, and Howard Stern never once asked if you were wearing panties.
You pop the top on your cool can of diet soft drink, slowly wipe it across your forehead, and as you lean against the soda machine to take a sip, you hear, “Move it lardass, I’m thristy.”
What good are $250 shoes if you can’t see ’em?
Flashiness of orange jumpsuit negated by rather plain “Property of State of Kansas.”

And the Number 1 Sign You’re Not a Fashion Model…

Not only does the camera not love you, Kodak has filed a restraining order against you.

CREDITS

Selected from 136 submissions from 50 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5032097