Signs You’re in the Wrong Religion

The list for September 10, 1996

The Top 19 Signs You’re in the Wrong Religion

Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
In church, they pass a “specimen plate.”
Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
Parents finally inform you that whether or not Jesus sees his shadow outside of cave on Easter has NOTHING to do with arrival of spring in six weeks.
The *only* food that you’re allowed to eat is pork.
“The first reading is from the Book of Newt…”
Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
Larry King’s birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
Sacrificing a goat wasn’t so bad, but working the tech support line really sucks.
Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries and a Big Gulp.
Even though they taste heavenly, you’re pretty sure Mallomars are not a sacrament.
All the commandments begin, “You might be a sinner if…”
Commandment #3: “Thou shalt not Bogart thy neighbor’s bud.”
That special announcement saying that your leader, the God Who Walks Among Men, finally got his G.E.D.
“Sinner of the Week” eligible for valuable prizes.
Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you’ve got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.

And the Number 1 Sign You’re in the Wrong Religion…

CREDITS

Selected from 132 submissions by 47 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5091096