The list for February 4, 1998
The Top 15 Signs You’re Being
Investigated by Kenneth Starr
Investigated by Kenneth Starr
- Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.
- Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with “Testing… 1, 2, 3.”
- You’re a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.
- Everywhere you go, you swear you see Yassir Arafat watching you. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)
- Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.
- Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors implicate you in the “paste-eating incident of 1968.”
- You haven’t been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you had that little bladder problem.
- All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes “Ace Ventura-Gate.”
- The DMV insists you pose for your driver’s license picture nude from the waist down.
- Jay Leno’s making lame jokes about you and you’re not an Iraqi dictator.
- You don’t mind when your toddler asks for a “detailed account of your unscrupulous business practices” in lieu his usual bedtime story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattle.
- You’re the only contributor who’s getting topics like “Top 5 Signs I’ve Made Millions In Shady Land Deals.”
- Pupils in Lincoln’s portrait dilate a bit when the French Ambassador’s daughter asks you to pass the KY.
- For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house, instead of vice versa.
And the Number 1 Sign You’re Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr…
- Since when did Lucky Charms start including “Crunchy Microphones”?
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CREDITS
Selected from 101 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 1 (14th #1)
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 2
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 3, 9
- Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA — 4
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 5, 10
- Randy Wohl, Ma’ale Adumim, Israel — 6
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 7 /
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 8
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 10
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 11, 15
- John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY — 11
- David E. Spiro, Tucson, AZ — 12
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 13
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 14
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — Banner Tag
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — Topic
- Elvis Costello, London, England — Ambience
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