The list for August 15, 1996
The Top 16 Signs Your Waitress Is Nuts
- Easily confused — instead of a BLT, she brings you LBJ.
- Swears she can see her reflection in your mashed potatoes.
- She claims that you remind her of Elvis, then goes berserk when you don’t leave a Cadillac for a tip.
- Has Today’s Specials tattooed on her ass.
- Insists you order in Pig Latin.
- No matter what you order, all you get is flan.
- Insists you order off of the Unabomber manifesto.
- For an appetizer, she administers the Heimlich manuver, “just in case.”
- When you order fries, she asks, “You want fries with that?”
- Always forgets to serve scalding soup directly into Howard Stern’s crotch.
- Hands you a flaregun and says, “Just fire up one of these if you need anything else, Hon.”
- Tells you about the specials using interpretive dance.
- Uses your tortillas as dress shields.
- When you order the Pad Thai, she loudly replies, “Gladys don’t speak no Eye-talian!”
- Despite the snug Hooters shirt, the ZZTop beard makes her awful damn unattractive.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Waitress Is Nuts…
- That pea soup looks mighty good spewing out of her spinning head.
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CREDITS
Selected from 130 submissions by 45 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA — 1 (2nd #1)
- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Cananda — 2
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 3
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 4
- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO — 5
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 6
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 7
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 8
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 9, 14
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 10
- Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA — 11
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 12
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 13
- Brad Schreiber, Los Angeles, CA — 15
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 16
- Chris White, NY, NY — Listmeister
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