Signs Your TV Weatherperson Needs a Vacation

The list for April 7, 1997

The Top 15 Signs Your TV Weatherperson
Needs a Vacation

Habitually refers to outlying rural communities as “East B.F. Egypt, if you know what I mean.”
“3D Doppler Radar” replaced by “3D Virtual Valerie.”
“Today’s forecast: crap. But the Canary Islands have great weather in the spring — Let’s go to that map.”
Last night’s report included “A turgid, pulsating jet stream penetrating deep into a warm, moist, aching heartland.”
“Well, this cold front will be moving right along… AS SOON AS MY EX-WIFE LEAVES TOWN!”
Standard weather map replaced by a Risk board with fighter planes and tanks, and he spends the entire segment making explosion and machine gun noises.
“I predict a giant fire right here, on my mother-in-law’s condo.”
Illustrates forthcoming snowstorm by shaking his dandruff over the East Coast.
“There’s a tornado rippin’ through Texas, an’ it’s a mean sumbitch! Evacuate the trailer parks! Houston, you have a problem!”
Prefaces all reports with “And in another act of a Vengeful God…”
Current weather report consists of “Look out the friggin’ window, ya lazy bastards.”
Keeps hurling lightning bolts at the rest of the news team.
It looks like he’s had a “brief downpour” in his pants again.
Starts doing “shout-outs” to his “fly-girls” in various microclimate locales.

And the Number 1 Sign Your TV Weatherperson Needs a Vacation…

CREDITS

Selected from 103 submissions from 40 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5040797