The list for July 26, 1996
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Last night, the Top Five List passed the magic 10,000
subscriber mark on our mailing list version! I want to
thank the hundreds of contributors who have helped to
make the list the success that it is, as well as each
of those 10,000+ readers of Top Five, so I’ll be sending
each and every one of you a hand-knitted Top Five List
sweater (one size fits all, in fuchsia, taupe, and periwinkle).
Go stand by your mailbox and wait now!
subscriber mark on our mailing list version! I want to
thank the hundreds of contributors who have helped to
make the list the success that it is, as well as each
of those 10,000+ readers of Top Five, so I’ll be sending
each and every one of you a hand-knitted Top Five List
sweater (one size fits all, in fuchsia, taupe, and periwinkle).
Go stand by your mailbox and wait now!
The Top 18 Signs Your Third Party
Presidential Candidacy Is Doomed
Presidential Candidacy Is Doomed
- Your slogan is “Stick It To The Middle Class!”
- On Meet The Press, you give Tim Russert a savage hickey.
- Revisions in State Penal Code make parole by January unlikely.
- Your major source of campaign funds dries up in September when Girl Scouts go back to school.
- Your list of vice-presidential candidates is down to Dan Quayle and that annoying “I love ya, man!” guy in the Bud Light commercials.
- You keep telling the press that there’s a party platform in your pants and everyone’s invited.
- Your party’s convention is held in the Utica Dairy Queen.
- Every baby that you’ve kissed has joined a class-action sexual harassment suit.
- Your campaign slogan: “Just Do Me.”
- Latest popularity polls have you in a dead heat with Wayne Newton.
- You cry like a baby in public over “Baywatch” being cancelled.
- Pledge to move nation’s capitol to Indonesia to save labor costs didn’t go over too well.
- People magazine names you one of the most influential people in America, right behind Pauley Shore.
- Big-eared critter throws pie in your face during Chuck E. Cheese fund-raising dinner.
- Choice of Marge Schott as running mate seems a bit hasty in retrospect.
- Attempt to generate campaign funds by promising to rename your new office falls on deaf ears at Ovaltine.
- Someone published that photo of you at the Klan dinner drinking red wine with fish.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Third Party Presidential Candidacy Is Doomed…
- Everyone thinks you’re a lunatic, and YOU ain’t no billionaire.
.
CREDITS
Selected from 130 submissions by 41 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA — 1 (6th #1)
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 2, 10
- Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA — 3, 16
- Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI — 4, 15
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 5
- Lisa Stepaniak & gang, Dearborn, MI — 6
- Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA — 7, 17
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 8, 18, Topic
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 9
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 11
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 12
- Patrick New, Chicago, IL — 13
- Gerard McDonald, New York, NY — 14
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 16
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 16
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC — 16
- Jim Louderback, New York, NY — Topic
- Chris White, NY, NY — Listmeister
T5Jul2696.shtml