Signs Your Swiss Bank Is Ripping You Off

The list for January 17, 1997
The Top 16 Signs Your Swiss
Bank Is Ripping You Off

  1. Complementary “Swiss chocolates” for opening an account are nothing more than a box of Junior Mints.

  2. While tasty, those little chocolate gold coins are not actually the official currency of Switzerland.

  3. Fineprint reveals your money is being kept in “Certificates of Ricola.”

  4. The gold bullion in your safety deposit box is suspiciously Toblerone-shaped.

  5. New policy states that withdrawals can only be made at the Zimbabwe branch.

  6. “Sorry, we don’t have $100,000 in cash today, but you can have 100,000 packets of Swiss Miss.”

  7. They greet you with a shocked, “But you’re supposed to be dead!”

  8. They keep screwing up funds between your “Extortion” account and your “Syphoning the Company’s Retirement Fund” account.

  9. Your new “scenic checks” are just old Nestle wrappers.

  10. It seems not *everyone* qualifies for that “Getaway to Argentina” promotion.

  11. In order to close an account you need approval from your local “Kamp Kommandant”, whoever that is.

  12. Just before teller hands you your money, he asks, “You’re not Jewish, are you?”

  13. The “toaster” they gave you is really two Beta VCR’s glued together.

  14. Each account comes with a Visa Gold Hitler affinity card.

  15. Recent statement includes a charge for “expenses incurred for the relocation of the Van Trapp family.”
And the Number 1 Sign Your Swiss Bank Is Ripping You Off…

  1. They always answer the phone with a snappy “Heil!”
.
CREDITS
Selected from 99 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 1 (2nd #1)
  • Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 2
  • Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 3
  • Jose Antonio Coa, Caracas, Venezuela — 4
  • Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA — 5
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 6
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 7
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 7
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 8
  • Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 9
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 10, Topic
  • Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 11, 13
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 12
  • Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 13
  • Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI — 13
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 14
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 15
  • JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA — 15
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 15
  • Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 15
  • Gail Celio, E. Lansing, MI — 16
T5011797

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