The list for September 22, 1997
The Top 15 Signs Your Parents Aren’t Human
- While watching "Star Trek – The Next Generation", they always scream, "Wrong! Wrong again!!"
- No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican.
- Mom has finally kicked her oxygen habit, but Dad still guzzles Prestone like it was Gatorade.
- Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it… after you had dropped it in the mail box.
- Two words: Sansabelt slacks
- Your first clue? They named you Jon Benet and you don’t live in France.
- Them: three-toed marsupials with pouches. You: love eucalyptus leaves and talk with funny accent.
- They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on.
- Billy’s parents — the paddle. Timmy’s parents — the belt. Your folks — the probe.
- They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly.
- Your navel is threaded.
- You’ve escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener.
- Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor’s, by about 700 feet.
- Your chore list includes the item, "polish coffins."
And the Number 1 Sign Your Parents Aren’t Human…
- In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d’oeuvres, salad, and an entree.
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CREDITS
Selected from 87 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 1 (5th #1)
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 2
- Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL — 3
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 4, 13
- Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 5, 8, 14
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 6
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 7
- Randy Wohl, Ma’ale Adumim, Israel — 7
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 9
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 10
- Peg Warner, Derry, NH — 11
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 12, 15
- LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA — Topic
- David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX — Banner Tag
- Chris White, New York, NY — Owner/editor
- Cheap Trick, Chicago, IL — Ambience
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