Signs Your Online Relationship Isn’t Working Out

The list for July 17, 1998
The Top 14 Signs Your Online
Relationship Isn’t Working Out

  1. You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn’t her real name, and she’s dialing in from Langley, VA.

  2. You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

  3. Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

  4. After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword when she learns you’re worth 45,000 points.

  5. "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

  6. Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

  7. Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

  8. You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her orgasms.

  9. You can barely make out your SO’s face in the JPEG she sent because she’s obscured by her 25 cats.

  10. He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

  11. Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

  12. She’s suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

  13. Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"
And the Number 1 Sign Your Online Relationship Isn’t Working Out…

  1. In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she’d pretended to be.
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CREDITS
Selected from 132 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 1 (10th #1)
  • Matt Chaput, Calgary, Alberta, Canada — 2
  • Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 3
  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA– 3
  • Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH — 4
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 5
  • Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL — 6
  • Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA — 7
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 8
  • Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA– 9
  • Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 10
  • Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY– 11
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 12
  • David Bryant, Columbia, MD — 13
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 14
  • LeMel Hebert-Williams, S.F., CA — Banner Tag
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — Runner Up List Name
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — Topic
  • Chris White, New York, NY– List owner/editor
  • Full Spectrum Jazz, Silicon Valley, CA — Ambience
T5071798

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