Signs Your Kids Have Been Watching Too Much Jerry Springer

The list for April 21, 1998
The Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been
Watching Too Much Jerry Springer

  1. During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor and say, "Talk to the hand!"

  2. Every night at the dinner table is the same routine: "Eat your vegetables," and the chairs go flying.

  3. You’ve had to replace the babysitter with three burly stagehands.

  4. Dinner topic: "Teenage boys who hide Playboys under their mattresses."

  5. Junior’s new mastery of the headlock has made him the star of his high school debate team.

  6. Have evolved from playing "Doctor" to "Plastic Surgeon specializing in Male Enlargement."

  7. They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a double-wide trailer.

  8. At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest — your secretary/mistress.

  9. Your Elvis shrine ain’t been Endusted in two weeks.

  10. Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one Chuck E. Cheese.

  11. Your youngest has stopped calling you "Mommy" in favor of "Crack-ho."

  12. Math: C-
    History: D+
    English: F
    Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+

  13. Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.

  14. Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.

  15. During that "little talk" with Junior, you’re forced to admit that you don’t know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
And the Number 1 Sign Your Kids Have Been Watching Too Much Jerry Springer…

  1. Poor Ken just found out he hasn’t been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.
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CREDITS
Selected from 119 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 1, 16 (20th #1)
  • Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 1, 16 (4th #1)
  • Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 2
  • Lisa Oliver, London,, England — 2
  • Jennifer Markes, West Hollywood, CA — 3, Topic
  • Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA — 4
  • Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA — 5
  • Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA — 6
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 7
  • John Treusch, Burlington, NJ — 8
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 9, 13
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 9, RU list name
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 10
  • Eric Roth, New York, NY — 10
  • Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY — 11
  • Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 12
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 14
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 14
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 15
  • Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 15
  • Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA — 15
  • Sharon Silva, Clarksville, TN — 15
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 15
  • Robert Sullivan, Salem, OR — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/moderator
  • Television, New York, NY — Ambience
T5042198

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