Signs Your Grandmother May Be a Serial Killer

The list for December 18, 1996
The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother
May Be a Serial Killer

  1. That Afghan she’s been knitting? 100% human hair.

  2. Bone fragments in her mincemeat pies.

  3. A sudden fondness for serving Figgy Pudding, while Mr. Figgy down the road has been missing for over a week.

  4. Complains that her freezer just doesn’t have enough head room.

  5. Trash bags of “rose clippings” are awfully damn heavy and smell like hell.

  6. Her collection of antique thimbles includes thumbs.

  7. After every evening homicide report, carves another notch in the arm of her rocker.

  8. Doesn’t serve Crab Louie on Melba toast, serves Louie and Melba.

  9. Arrives at her own surgery with replacement organs in hand.

  10. Mistakenly served her bridge club actual lady fingers.

  11. You’ve never heard of a church that has midnight mass EVERY night.

  12. Nothing to show for her six marriages except a well-stocked freezer.

  13. You don’t get homemade chicken noodle soup, you get head-of-the-kid-next-door-who-wouldn’t-turn-his-radio-down soup.

  14. Has a bumper sticker that reads: “Ask me about my latest victim.”

  15. Just a funny feeling you get when she’s in her room with the lights off and “Helter Skelter” turned up full blast on the ol’ Victrola.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Grandmother May be a Serial Killer…

  1. Accidentally sends you her manifesto and mails a letter about her hip replacement to the Washington Post.
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CREDITS
Selected from 98 submissions from 36 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY — 1 (5th #1)
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 2, 3
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 2
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 3, 6
  • Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 4
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 5, 16
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 5
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 5, Topic
  • Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI — 6
  • Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 7
  • Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 7
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 7
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 7
  • Matt Alford, Salem, OR — 8
  • Gene/Cynthia Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT — 9
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 10
  • LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA — 11
  • Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX — 12
  • Bob Mader, Knoxville TN — 13 (Rookie!)
  • Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN — 14
  • Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO — 15
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 16
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 16
  • Chris White, New York, NY — Listmeister
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