Signs Your Gene Therapy Isn’t Going Well

The list for May 6, 1998
The Top 16 Signs Your Gene
Therapy Isn’t Going Well

  1. Six appearances in six weeks sets a new record on the Jerry Springer Show.

  2. While your 7’11" height has the NBA calling, that "maximum of two arms" rule ruins everything.

  3. "Hey, Four-eyes!" no longer just a cruel taunt.

  4. The drooling, twitching, and incontinence are long gone, yet you’re *still* mistaken for Pauly Shore.

  5. Your HMO declined payment for treatment due to the high cost of silver bullets.

  6. You begin regurgitating acid on Geena Davis, and you haven’t even seen "Cutthroat Island."

  7. You’re definitely starting to look like Elvis — Elvis Costello.

  8. You wake up with bloody pajamas, and the morning paper’s headline has to do with a rampaging wolf-like creature biting off Karl Malden’s nose.

  9. You can now count the number of allegations of sexual impropriety against President Clinton on one hand.

  10. You regret not being more specific when you said you just wanted to get more tail.

  11. Your unicorn horn keeps poking your Cyclops eye.

  12. You’re now the owner of the world’s most beautiful breasts. If only they were in the front.

  13. Your desire to return to your ancestral roots has manifested itself in your new hobby of fashioning tools from your own excrement.

  14. Let’s just say that in the size department, you now give both Pamela and Tommy Lee a run for their money.

  15. On your last trip to the zoo, the baboons were laughin’ at *your* big red butt.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Gene Therapy Isn’t Going Well…

  1. When someone tells you to go screw yourself, you just smile knowingly.
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CREDITS
Selected from 128 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC — 1 (3rd #1)
  • Randy Wohl, Ma’ale Adumim, Israel — 2
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 3
  • John Treusch, Burlington, NJ — 4, 10
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 5, 8
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 6
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 7
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 7
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 7
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 9, RU List Name
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 11, Topic
  • John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY — 12
  • Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 13
  • Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA — 14
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 14
  • William Gray, Mountain View, CA — 15
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 16
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/moderator
  • KISS, Detroit, MI — Ambience
T5050698

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