Signs Your Football Team Is in Trouble with the Law (Part I)

The list for January 9, 1997
The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team
Is in Trouble with the Law
(Part I)

  1. It’s mid-March and they’re *still* on the front page.

  2. More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands.

  3. Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards.

  4. Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running deep routes.

  5. To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place during the police lineup.

  6. Instead of “first and ten”, it’s “five to ten, with time off for good behavior.”

  7. Too many players are only allowed to play in home games.

  8. Your Defensive Coordinator is Johnny Cochran.

  9. “Today’s halftime entertainment is brought to you by the Riker’s Island Death Row Marching Band.”

  10. Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly-phrased restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone wearing “tight pants and spikes.”

  11. Players frequently going over to Williams’ house to watch “game films.”

  12. That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn’t want your jersey, he wants a gram.

  13. The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 24 hours a day.

  14. Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange jumpsuits.

  15. Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver.

  16. Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then he did at Penn State.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Football Team Is in Trouble with the Law…

  1. Your star running back’s new position is “spouse of the man with the most cigarettes.”
.
CREDITS
Selected from 144 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • David Bryant, Columbia, MD — 1 (1st #1!)
  • Paul J. Lancaster, Blacksburg, VA — 2, 12, Topic
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 2
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 3
  • Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA — 4
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 5
  • Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI — 6
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 7
  • John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 8
  • Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI — 9, 10
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 10, 11
  • Matt Alford, Salem, OR — 10, 13
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 10
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 10
  • Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI — 10
  • Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA — 11
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 12
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 13
  • Patrick New, Chicago, IL — 14
  • Ward Bahner, Kansas City, MO — 15
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 16
  • Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 17
T5010997

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