Signs Your Execution Isn’t Going Well

The list for August 14, 1997
The Top 15 Signs Your Execution
Isn’t Going Well

  1. The poison gas is bad enough, but pumping laughing gas into the audience chamber is just plain cruel!

  2. The anti-capital punishment demonstrators are carrying signs reading "Okay, but just this once."

  3. Wacky guards post sign outside your cell: "Elevation -6"

  4. At the last minute, the governor calls, but only to ask if you have Prince Albert in a can.

  5. They assure you "Old Sparky" isn’t acting up, but still arrange burgers on your head.

  6. Firing squad of Ted Nugent, Charlton Heston, and Barry Switzer replaced by Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, and Yosemite Sam.

  7. That burning smell doesn’t mean they ruined the Steak Tartar, Chester.

  8. The electric chair operator asks you to turn over so they can do the other side.

  9. Guitar-carrying executioner says not to worry, he’ll be "killing you softly" with his song.

  10. You wake to a muffled voice saying, "Let’s get the dirt back in there and call it a day!"

  11. Supreme Court Golf Tournament scheduled for day of your execution.

  12. The jolt from the electric chair only manages to give you "Don King hair."

  13. In the viewing room, Martha Stewart’s little gingerbread electric chair cookies are getting more attention than you are.

  14. Despite what the paperwork says, there’s apparently no such thing as "Lethal Erection."
And the Number 1 Sign Your Execution Isn’t Going Well…

  1. Your kicky new sundress? Ruined!
.
CREDITS
Selected from 106 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Stephen Pace, Houston, TX — 1, 15 (2nd #1)
  • Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 2, 12
  • Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 3
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 4
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 5, 13
  • Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 6
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 7
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 8
  • Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA — 9
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 10
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 11
  • Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL — 12
  • Don Horton, Sacramento, CA — 14
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — Banner tag
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — Topic
  • Robert Zimmerman, Nashiville, TN — Ambience
T5081497

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