The list for July 24, 1998
The Top 13 Signs Your Cruise Ship Is on Fire
- You detect a thick, noxious smoky odor but George Burns went to bed hours ago.
- The Captain happily announces that passengers now have a choice between jumping into a fiery pit or the icy deep to escape Celine Dion’s infernal racket.
- Everyone in the conga line has a seltzer bottle and the Cruise Director has them dancing toward the engine room.
- People are already screaming in terror, and Carrot Top’s act doesn’t start for another thirty minutes.
- It’s not happy hour and the captain just announced a 60% discount on flaming drinks in the Admiral’s lounge.
- Small boats of refugees bearing down on you with long sticks and marshmallows.
- Kathie Lee orders the kids to stay at their posts and row faster if they ever want to see their mommies or daddies again.
- Tonight’s scheduled entertainment in the lounge is mysteriously replaced by Smokey Robinson and Charo.
- Waters in the kiddie pool are bubbling like crazy, but there’s not a kid in sight.
- You saw Bob Denver running to the laundry area with a bong.
- The ice sculpture of Atlas is starting to resemble Kate Moss.
- Last-minute change to dessert menu now features Cajun blackened Jell-O.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Cruise Ship Is on Fire…
- Your ass is burning and Acapulco’s still three ports away.
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CREDITS
Selected from 105 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Jennifer Markes, West Hollywood, CA — 1 (4th #1)
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 2
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 2, 10
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA — 3, 4
- Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia — 4 (Rookie!)
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 5, 11
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 6, Runner Up List Name
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 7, 8, 12 (Hat trick!)
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 8
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 8
- John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY — 9
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 13
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — Topic
- LeMel Hebert-Williams, S.F., CA — Banner Tag
- Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
- Deep Purple, London, England — Ambience
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